To Talk (or Not To Talk) About Your Cancer During the Holidays

A friendly gathering of mature adults greets one another with hugs and conversation

Nervous about receiving comments & questions related to your cancer at holiday gatherings? These tips can help you navigate conversations about your diagnosis and treatment. 

During the holiday season, one common area of concern for cancer patients is how to talk (or not talk) about their health during social gatherings. Hopefully, these tips help normalize feelings of apprehension and provide guidance in preparing for conversations in a way that feels authentic and comfortable.

Family gatherings, community activities, faith-based traditions, office parties, children’s school concerts — end-of-year celebrations and holiday events are upon us. If you’re facing a cancer diagnosis, these gatherings and festivities may look and feel different this year: you’re bringing cancer to the party. 

Whether you’re feeling emotionally unprepared or physically exhausted, the anticipation of socializing with family, friends, and strangers at these events may be causing you extra stress. If you’re feeling anxious about addressing questions and comments about your diagnosis, know that your feelings are normal. It’s equally okay to not feel celebratory this year.

Perhaps you’ve just been diagnosed and are still processing the news. Perhaps you’re in treatment and experiencing side effects that have changed your appearance. Or maybe your care team has suggested dietary changes or contact precautions that will change the way you typically eat and interact with loved ones during get-togethers.

People may ask questions, make offhand comments, or offer unsolicited advice. Even with good intentions, these statements can create an uncomfortable environment for guests, and for you especially. Being proactive in determining how you will respond to remarks about your health can lessen or resolve feelings of discomfort.

 

Remember: Your experience is your own. Determining what is shared, and with whom, is a privilege reserved just for you. 

 

Let’s consider potential questions or comments you may receive, and possible responses you can use to define and protect your boundaries:

Remarks about your diagnosis:

I’ve heard you’ve been going through some health stuff recently. Have you gotten a diagnosis?

Possible response: I appreciate your concern. I’m not ready to share that information.

Hey, you never told me what the results were from the genetic testing. Is it hereditary?

Possible response: I’m waiting to speak with my doctor about those results. Once I do, I’ll follow her advice in sharing the findings with those who may be impacted.

Your aunt shared with me last week that you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer. What have the doctors told you? Did you catch it early?

Possible response: I’m still processing all of this myself. For now, I’m choosing to keep the details private.

Remarks about your treatment plan:

How’s the chemo going? I’ve heard that it makes you sick and tired all the time, and that you lose your hair and the ability to think straight.

Possible response: I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m feeling okay today and just want to enjoy the day with everyone.

Do you have a date yet for the surgery?

Possible response: I know you’re asking from a place of good intent, but I’m keeping the date of my surgery between my partner and me. I’ll make sure to let you know if there’s anything I need once I’m in the recovery period.

I was doing some research and found that there’s a new treatment in curing cancer. You should see if you’re a candidate. I’ll send you the articles I read.

Possible response: Thank you for wanting the best for me. I’ve got a great care team and I feel good about the plan we have in place. I’ll let you know if I’d like to look at those articles in the future. For now, I feel hopeful about my treatment plan.

Remarks about changes to your appearance:

You look great. How much weight have you lost?

Possible response: I know you meant that as a compliment, but I’d rather not talk about changes in how I’m looking today.

Is that a wig? It looks so natural.

Possible response: I’m feeling a little self-conscious showing up to this party looking different than I normally do. I’d appreciate if we can talk about something unrelated to my appearance or health.

Why are you so covered up? Show those battle scares off with pride!

Possible response: Thank you for recognizing that I’ve survived something really difficult. I feel comfortable in this outfit, and it’s important that I also feel comfortable if and when I decide to reveal my scars to others.

Remarks about changes to your eating or behavior:

So now that you have that bag, can you still eat normally?

Possible response: I know you’re just curious but that question really isn’t appropriate.

Just have a few bites of Jane’s casserole. You don’t want to insult her.  

Possible response: I have no intention of offending anyone at this gathering, but I’m choosing to prioritize my health and follow the dietary guidance of my care team.

Why the mask? It’s just going to be family here and everyone knows to stay home if they’re feeling sick.

Possible response: I want to cherish this time with family. I spoke with my care team about how to protect myself from illness and infection when I’m around others. Wearing a mask is the best option for me to safely join in celebration.

 

Or, try one of these general responses:

Talking about something so personal in this type of setting doesn’t feel comfortable to me. Thanks for understanding.

Thank you for thinking of me. I’d love to talk about something other than cancer today. Tell me how you’ve been since we last saw each other.

Cancer has consumed most of my time and energy recently. I’d be grateful to not have to talk about cancer on this day of celebration.

Having a few blanket statements in your back pocket may help you feel more at ease when talking — or not talking — about your cancer experience during holiday celebrations and other end-of-year gatherings. Here are a few more tips you may want to try:

  • Have a close family member or friend by your side at events to help mediate questions or comments that can feel invasive, judgmental, or otherwise inappropriate.
  • If you are attending a gathering as a guest, speak with the host beforehand to discuss your concerns.
  • Contact our Cancer Support Helpline at 888-793-9355 to talk with an expert. Our Helpline’s community navigators and resource specialists can provide personalized guidance, resources, and support to help you navigate your cancer experience during the holiday season and year-round.

Remember: Your truth is valid. Your experience is real. And your well-being deserves to be respected, always.

 

About the Author

Carolyn Noack is a licensed clinical social worker in California with specialties in oncology, perinatal loss, and grief. She has provided psychotherapy, psychoeducation, support group facilitation, and patient navigation support to those impacted by cancer for most of her career, working in inpatient, outpatient, and private practice settings. Carolyn has worked as a community navigator on CSC’s Cancer Support Helpline since 2021. She is passionate and committed to providing care that is patient-centered, compassionate, and evidence-based.

When Mental Health & Cancer Meet: It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

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Stock photo posed by models, sourced by Getty Images

Two navigators from our Cancer Support Helpline share strategies to help you through the ups and downs of your cancer experience.

 

Editor’s Note: This is part of our Spotlight on Mental Health series examining critical mental health concerns that affect cancer patients, survivors, caregivers, and providers.   

 

Each year as May rolls around, days become longer, and flowers and trees reach peak bloom. Many people have emerged from their winter cocoons and may notice an improvement in their mood. May is also Mental Health Awareness Month and, while everything may be looking up, it is a time to acknowledge the importance of honoring one’s mental health needs throughout the year, especially if cancer is also in your life.

Mental health encompasses our emotional, psychological, and social well-being, affecting how we think, feel, and act. While most people experience normal everyday ups and downs, 1 in 5 adults in the United States will experience a mental health condition such as anxiety or depression.

Hearing the news that you have, or may have, a cancer diagnosis is a devastating moment in a person’s life. Those everyday ups and downs you once had may now be complicated by the practical realities of navigating serious illness, communicating updates to loved ones, and managing feelings around planning for the future.

Receiving a diagnosis or learning that your cancer has changed can bring about many emotions. These feelings can be complicated to sort out. All the while, lives don’t stop moving — bills still need paying — and it can be all too easy to put our emotions to the side to deal with later. An already existing mental health condition could be worsened by the new uncertainty of cancer, especially if formal support is limited.

In short, it is expected that you may not be okay while balancing all of this.

Tips to Cope With Stressors

As oncology social work navigators at Cancer Support Community’s Cancer Support Helpline, people share stories with us that include other components of their lives that impact their mental health and wellness. Dynamics that were occurring long before cancer entered their lives have an impact on their mood and coping abilities such as:

  • Being caregivers themselves to aging parents or young children
  • Experiencing loss in the form of divorce or with the passing of a loved one
  • Managing life transitions such as with jobs changes or family planning
  • Navigating the highs and lows of being an emerging adult

When cancer arises, it may occur alongside these other life stressors that are common life experiences for many of us.

It can be helpful to know some coping strategies that can be used in moments when you are not feeling okay. Asking yourself, “How can I improve the moment?” can help to pause and redirect your focus on something that can help reduce the distress temporarily. This may include spending time in nature by going for a walk, taking a shower or bath, calling a loved one, writing, or listening to music.

Mindfulness is the practice of noticing the present moment or an emotion for exactly what it is, without feeling the need to change how we are feeling or push the emotion away. Developing a regular mindfulness practice can be beneficial to understanding how to balance intense feelings. Smart phone apps such as Insight Timer or Calm are great resources to get started.

Or try our guided yoga and meditation videos, designed with the needs of people impacted by cancer in mind.

Need to pause and take some deep breaths? Watch our 13-minute guided meditation using breath, visualization and intention to call upon healing within. 

It is also important to know when you may need to turn to formal support. Some signs that it may be time to talk with someone include:

  • Feeling unable to control your thoughts or worries
  • Sleeping less or more than you are accustomed to
  • Eating more than usual or not having an appetite at all
  • Finding it difficult to complete basic daily tasks
  • No longer enjoying activities you once enjoyed

Your cancer center may have oncology social workers available to offer practical and emotional support. You can ask your oncologist or nurse navigator for a referral to the oncology social worker to be connected. Your primary care provider is another great resource for referrals to community mental health providers.

 

NOTE: If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, experiencing depression, or feeling a loss of hope, call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or chat with a counselor from the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. They provide 24/7, free, and confidential support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress anywhere in the United States.

How Our Helpline Can Provide Cancer Support

Our Cancer Support Helpline is staffed with community navigators and resource specialists who are here and ready to support you by phone at 888-793-9355 and online via our live web chat service. Our Helpline staff can offer emotional support and share personalized resources that may be helpful in coping with difficult emotions that can come with cancer.

A few ways we can help include:

  • Linking you with one of our Gilda’s Club or CSC locations across the country that provide free support programs to anyone impacted by cancer
  • Helping you find a therapist in your community or online if you prefer
  • Finding a peer mentor, matching you with someone who has been through a similar experience
  • Offering support and guidance around talking openly with your oncology team, primary care doctor, or any of your other care providers about how you are feeling.

Remember, it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. We are here to support you through the ups and downs of your cancer experience.

10 Tips for Caregivers

A man hugs his wife as they stand inside a sunlit greenhouse

This blog was originally published in November 2015 and was updated for relevancy.

Caregivers to someone with cancer spend an average of 8 hours per day providing care to their loved one. The demands of caregiving depend on several different things — stage of disease, types of symptoms experienced, treatment side effects, and more. A caregiver’s response to the cancer diagnosis, treatment, and journey itself can be just as important as how the patient responds. This makes the need for physical, social, and emotional support for caregivers essential.

Here are 10 tips to help caregivers find balance, support, and connection.

1. Find your support system

When a friend or loved one is diagnosed with cancer, it’s an emotional time. Sometimes it can be difficult to talk with your loved one about your feelings, because you both have so much going on. Many find one of the best ways to cope with stress, uncertainty, and loneliness is to talk to others who share similar experiences. To find your own support system, explore Cancer Support Community’s partner network and find a location near you. We have over 170 locations worldwide, with programs that include support groups, yoga classes, and educational workshops.

You can also connect with others like you on our discussion board for caregivers. Share your unique experiences and offer insights, coping strategies, and inspiration.

“People talk about a caregiver, but you don’t really know what a caregiver is until you’re really in that role…I learned that a caregiver wears many hats: listener, observer, protector, planner, anticipator, the backup brain to the patient, the organizer, the strong one, the levelheaded one. The caregiver is the go-to person all the time…I quickly realized that I could not do it all and that I needed help.”

–  Sheri, bereaved/former caregiver for a close friend

2. Gather information

There is truth to the phrase “Knowledge is power.” There’s no way to completely grasp the ups and downs of a cancer diagnosis and treatment — and you shouldn’t be expected to. Being armed with knowledge may help you accommodate your loved one’s needs and help you know what to expect.

The Cancer Support Community’s Helpline is here to help by offering free navigation for cancer patients or their loved ones. Our navigators can be reached toll-free at 888-793-9355 or online via our live chat service Monday-Friday from 9 a.m.-9 p.m. ET, and Saturday-Sunday from 9 a.m.-5 p.m. ET.

3. Recognize a “new normal”

Patients and caregivers alike report feeling a loss of control after a cancer diagnosis. Many caregivers are asked for advice about medical decisions or managing family finances. Some caregivers also need to take on new day-to-day chores. It is likely that your tasks as a caregiver will create new routines—after all, you’re taking on a new role in your loved one’s life as well as your own.

Maintaining a balance between your loved one’s disease and the daily activities of your own life can be a challenge. It may be helpful to identify the parts of your life that you can still control, such as your own health and relationships. In doing this, you will be able to create a strategy for integrating new routines with old ones. It may also help to acknowledge that your home life, finances, and friendships may change for a period of time. Sometimes the laundry might not get done, or maybe takeout will replace home cooking. Try to manage each day’s priority as it comes. Take a deep breath and realize that the support you provide is priceless.

CAREGIVING TIP: Make a list of all of the names, phone numbers, and email addresses of everyone on the cancer care team and put it in a place where it’s readily available, should you need it. Make copies for anyone who is supporting you in your caregiver role.

4. Relax your mind, recharge your body

It can be easy to feel overwhelmed by the tasks of caregiving. Mini-breaks are an easy way to replenish your energy and lower your stress. Try simple activities like taking a walk around the block or closing your eyes for 10 minutes in a comfortable chair. You are working hard to provide and secure the best care for your loved one. Time spent recharging your mind and body will allow you to avoid depression, major illness, or burnout.

5. Take comfort in others

It’s common for many caregivers to feel a loss of personal time over the course of their loved one’s illness. Keep in mind that while you are taking on new and additional responsibilities, you are still allowed a life of your own. Many seasoned caregivers advise that you continue to be involved with your circle of friends and family.

6. Plan for the future

A common feeling among caregivers and people with cancer is uncertainty. It’s hard to know what the future holds. While planning may be difficult, it can help. Try to schedule fun activities on days when your loved one is not feeling the side effects of treatment. You can also give yourselves something to look forward to by planning together how you will celebrate the end of treatment, or a portion of treatment.

Planning for a future in the long-term is also important. All of us, whether we have been diagnosed with cancer or not, should have in place necessary paperwork such as healthcare agent, power of attorney, and a will. You can ask your loved one if he or she needs, or wants, assistance. Having essential paperwork under control will allow you to have peace of mind.

7. Accept a helping hand

It’s okay to have “helpers.” In fact, you may find that learning to let go and to say “YES!” will ease your anxiety and lift your spirits. People often want to chip in, but aren’t quite sure what type of assistance you need. It’s helpful to keep a list of all caregiving tasks, both small and large. That way, when someone asks “Is there anything I can do?” you are able to offer them specific choices.

One simple way to organize a helping network is to create a MyLifeLine Friends & Family Site for your loved one. This free service from the Cancer Support Community allows you and your loved one to connect with family members, friends, and others in your support network. When you create a Friends & Family site, you gain access to a tool called the Helping Calendar. You can use this tool to coordinate help for a variety of events, from rides to doctor’s appointments to meals, childcare, and more.

8. Be mindful of your health

In order to be strong for your loved one, you need to take care of yourself. It’s easy to lose sight of your own health when you’re focused on your loved one. But if your own health is in jeopardy, who will take care of your loved one? Be sure to tend to any physical ailments of your own that arise. This includes scheduling regular checkups and screenings. And, just like your mother told you, eat well and get enough sleep.

Visit our virtual Kitchen, where you can explore recipes and healthy cooking videos. These recipes were created to support the nutritional needs of people impacted by cancer, but anyone can enjoy their health benefits.

9. Consider exploring stress-management techniques

Even if you’ve never practiced mind-body exercises before, you may find that meditation, yoga, listening to music, or simply breathing deeply will relieve your stress. If this interests you, seek out guidance or instruction to help you become your own “expert” on entering into a peaceful, rejuvenated state.

Mind-body (or stress-reduction) interventions use a variety of techniques to help you relax mentally and physically. Examples include meditation, guided imagery, and healing therapies that tap your creative outlets such as art, music, or dance. For help with relaxing and unwinding, visit our virtual Mind Body Studio for yoga lessons, gentle exercises, and meditation videos.

10. Do what you can, admit what you can’t

No one can do everything. It’s okay to acknowledge your limits. Come to terms with feeling overwhelmed (it will happen) and resolve to be firm when deciding what you can and cannot handle on your own, because no one should have to face cancer alone.